Simple Sammy met a Tranny
at the gay fete.
Said Simple Sammy to the Tranny
"Do you think I'm straight?"
Said the Tranny unto Sammy,
"Let me see your meat."
Said Simple Sammy to the Tranny,
"First show me your teat."
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Soft Jimmy
For Jenny
Jimmy Stewart, named for the pioneering Jamaican scuba diver - the first to conquer the razor-blade that is the East-Antilles reef - and not the American motion picture actor, was born a dwarf. To use a scuba reference, an activity Jimmy's sardine fisherman father had the greatest admiration for but which he never had enough money to himself pursue, at the time of his death he was no taller than Titron 100, the preferred oxygen tank of junior divers the world over.
Because Jimmy's parents were poor fisher folk they could only afford to buy him a fraction of 234 bones needed for his body. Even after taking loans from every loan shark in town they could only purchase 23 bones from the hospital, the majority of which to be housed in his ears.
"It'll have to do. At least he'll be able to hear" his father said.
As a result of his almost complete lack of bones Jimmy's body was incredibly soft, far softer than the softest teddy bear in the Caribbean. Indeed, throughout Jimmy's childhood, his parents would lend him out to people in the neighbourhood with children who had difficulty sleeping at night. After a few minutes of hugging Jimmy these once restless children would be transformed into gentle sleeping lambs.
Parents would often remark: "Jimmy Stewart from Sardine Lane has got the Lord's touch. God bless his bone-less body."
Jimmy was very popular at school. Every child wanted to be friends with this unique boy and to Jimmy's credit he tried to find room in his little heart for each of them. But there was a particular girl, a Sally Marcus from Coral Road, that Jimmy reserved most of his affection for. The two become firm friends the first day of school, when Jimmy helped her find her missing glasses, and in the years since they had become inseparable. What struck Jimmy about Sally was that even after he'd found her glasses that first day and she could see him properly she didn't treat him any differently. To her he was just the helpful boy who had found her glasses and not Soft Jimmy of Sardine Lane.
Jimmy would pick Sally up from her house in Coral Road each day and together they would walk the two kilometres to school. Holidays were no different. Jimmy would show up at Sally's house at dawn, and the two would spend the day trawling Stoneville beach for shells and crabs. One day Sally vowed to Jimmy that she would search Lobster Cove at the other side of the island, where there were rumours of giant counch shells, for a shell big enough to protect his soft body. Jimmy thanked her but turned her offer down, for, in his mind, in Sally, he had already found his giant counch shell.
Then an unfortunate thing happened. Sally began to grow.
Now, of course, most girls grow taller at some point around eleven or twelve, but Sally wasn't just any girl. Her three older sisters, called the Stoneville Beach triplets - even though they were not triplets, formed the formidable defence of the Jamaican amateur basketball champions, the Rockets. So when we say Sally began to grow, we mean that Sally really grew. At the time of her twelfth birthday she was taller than all the students and teachers at her school.
Sally, who had no love for basketball, hated being so tall. And to make matters worse hanging around with Jimmy only made her seem taller to others. Eventually Sally did a very cruel thing and stopped talking to Jimmy altogether. I've paid him back already for finding my glasses, she reasoned to herself.
Jimmy, of course, was hurt and confused. He had done nothing to Sally and couldn't understand why his best friend was no longer talking to him. He would still go over to Sally's house each morning but she would refuse to come out until he left. This continued for a few months until most of Stoneville had forgotten that a dwarf named Jimmy and a long-sighted girl named Sally had ever been friends.
But Jimmy had not forgotten and one lunch break he overheard Sally say to one of her new friends: "My neck is ever so sore. I can't sleep a bit at night. I wish my parents would buy new pillows. It's like sleeping on granite at the moment"
Jimmy then knew why Sally wasn't talking to him anymore. She was just irritable from not getting enough sleep at night. He had seen the babies he'd placated throughout the years behave in exactly the same way.
Jimmy knew exactly what to do. That night he snuck out from his house and climbed up the drainpipe that lead to Sally's bedroom. Then he removed all the stuffing from her pillow, hide it under her bed, and climbed into the pillow-case. He had to wait for more than an hour before Sally came up to her room.
Sally was shocked when her head hit her pillow. It was softest pillow she'd ever rested her head on. Seconds after going to bed, she could feel the pain in her neck begin to ease. She went to bed vowing to thank her mother for finally buying her a new pillow.
Jimmy kept very still while Sally slept. Her head was heavy and rested awkwardly on his bone-less chest, pressing down on his tiny lungs. Though he had difficulty breathing he didn't want to disturb her sleep. Just an hour more, he thought to himself, I give her an hour's more peaceful sleep before I go home.
The next morning Sally woke up feeling the best she had for months. The pain in her neck was completely gone. All thanks to my new pillow, she said out loud. But when Sally picked up her new pillow and hugged it she made a curious discovery. The pillow that was so soft last night was now stiff as cardboard.
The End.
Jimmy Stewart, named for the pioneering Jamaican scuba diver - the first to conquer the razor-blade that is the East-Antilles reef - and not the American motion picture actor, was born a dwarf. To use a scuba reference, an activity Jimmy's sardine fisherman father had the greatest admiration for but which he never had enough money to himself pursue, at the time of his death he was no taller than Titron 100, the preferred oxygen tank of junior divers the world over.
Because Jimmy's parents were poor fisher folk they could only afford to buy him a fraction of 234 bones needed for his body. Even after taking loans from every loan shark in town they could only purchase 23 bones from the hospital, the majority of which to be housed in his ears.
"It'll have to do. At least he'll be able to hear" his father said.
As a result of his almost complete lack of bones Jimmy's body was incredibly soft, far softer than the softest teddy bear in the Caribbean. Indeed, throughout Jimmy's childhood, his parents would lend him out to people in the neighbourhood with children who had difficulty sleeping at night. After a few minutes of hugging Jimmy these once restless children would be transformed into gentle sleeping lambs.
Parents would often remark: "Jimmy Stewart from Sardine Lane has got the Lord's touch. God bless his bone-less body."
Jimmy was very popular at school. Every child wanted to be friends with this unique boy and to Jimmy's credit he tried to find room in his little heart for each of them. But there was a particular girl, a Sally Marcus from Coral Road, that Jimmy reserved most of his affection for. The two become firm friends the first day of school, when Jimmy helped her find her missing glasses, and in the years since they had become inseparable. What struck Jimmy about Sally was that even after he'd found her glasses that first day and she could see him properly she didn't treat him any differently. To her he was just the helpful boy who had found her glasses and not Soft Jimmy of Sardine Lane.
Jimmy would pick Sally up from her house in Coral Road each day and together they would walk the two kilometres to school. Holidays were no different. Jimmy would show up at Sally's house at dawn, and the two would spend the day trawling Stoneville beach for shells and crabs. One day Sally vowed to Jimmy that she would search Lobster Cove at the other side of the island, where there were rumours of giant counch shells, for a shell big enough to protect his soft body. Jimmy thanked her but turned her offer down, for, in his mind, in Sally, he had already found his giant counch shell.
Then an unfortunate thing happened. Sally began to grow.
Now, of course, most girls grow taller at some point around eleven or twelve, but Sally wasn't just any girl. Her three older sisters, called the Stoneville Beach triplets - even though they were not triplets, formed the formidable defence of the Jamaican amateur basketball champions, the Rockets. So when we say Sally began to grow, we mean that Sally really grew. At the time of her twelfth birthday she was taller than all the students and teachers at her school.
Sally, who had no love for basketball, hated being so tall. And to make matters worse hanging around with Jimmy only made her seem taller to others. Eventually Sally did a very cruel thing and stopped talking to Jimmy altogether. I've paid him back already for finding my glasses, she reasoned to herself.
Jimmy, of course, was hurt and confused. He had done nothing to Sally and couldn't understand why his best friend was no longer talking to him. He would still go over to Sally's house each morning but she would refuse to come out until he left. This continued for a few months until most of Stoneville had forgotten that a dwarf named Jimmy and a long-sighted girl named Sally had ever been friends.
But Jimmy had not forgotten and one lunch break he overheard Sally say to one of her new friends: "My neck is ever so sore. I can't sleep a bit at night. I wish my parents would buy new pillows. It's like sleeping on granite at the moment"
Jimmy then knew why Sally wasn't talking to him anymore. She was just irritable from not getting enough sleep at night. He had seen the babies he'd placated throughout the years behave in exactly the same way.
Jimmy knew exactly what to do. That night he snuck out from his house and climbed up the drainpipe that lead to Sally's bedroom. Then he removed all the stuffing from her pillow, hide it under her bed, and climbed into the pillow-case. He had to wait for more than an hour before Sally came up to her room.
Sally was shocked when her head hit her pillow. It was softest pillow she'd ever rested her head on. Seconds after going to bed, she could feel the pain in her neck begin to ease. She went to bed vowing to thank her mother for finally buying her a new pillow.
Jimmy kept very still while Sally slept. Her head was heavy and rested awkwardly on his bone-less chest, pressing down on his tiny lungs. Though he had difficulty breathing he didn't want to disturb her sleep. Just an hour more, he thought to himself, I give her an hour's more peaceful sleep before I go home.
The next morning Sally woke up feeling the best she had for months. The pain in her neck was completely gone. All thanks to my new pillow, she said out loud. But when Sally picked up her new pillow and hugged it she made a curious discovery. The pillow that was so soft last night was now stiff as cardboard.
The End.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Hole
For Rahul Pithouse (born 16/09/09)
1.
I lift up my spade
and fall right to sleep.
The steel cuts though grass
and settles deep.
This ain't the first time
I thread upon this ground.
I've been here before,
my old footprints abound.
The serpents and critters
know well my sole.
They pay me no mind and
let me dig my hole.
It might take me two hours,
might take me three.
Got to dig it such that
it arrives at my knee.
2.
I dig at night
when the sun cannot watch.
I still the dark
with a flask-full of scotch.
Sometimes I hit a root,
othertimes some bone.
The dirt loves company,
never find it alone.
When the mood takes me
I whistle a tune.
While the black earth
I continue to spoon.
I like me a ballad,
I like me a song.
Old time music
helps move it along
3.
I ain't afraid of sweat
but I can't dig all night.
My belly's howling
with hunger and spite.
I unpack a sandwich
I picked up in town.
Found a maggot in it,
got it on markdown
I eat on a pile of dirt
and admire my work.
Done this a million times
and each time I smirk.
There's nothing as pretty
as desolation.
And digging a hole far
from civilization.
4.
Some folks will tell you
a hole ain't but air.
Now for that kind of talk
I don't much care.
A hole is what you gets
when there's nothing else to be got.
Its what you find
when the world begins to blot.
I ain't saying nothing
a sensible man don't know.
But most can't tell
their ass from their elbow.
I pick up my spade
and fall right to sleep.
The steel cuts through dirt
and settles deep.
1.
I lift up my spade
and fall right to sleep.
The steel cuts though grass
and settles deep.
This ain't the first time
I thread upon this ground.
I've been here before,
my old footprints abound.
The serpents and critters
know well my sole.
They pay me no mind and
let me dig my hole.
It might take me two hours,
might take me three.
Got to dig it such that
it arrives at my knee.
2.
I dig at night
when the sun cannot watch.
I still the dark
with a flask-full of scotch.
Sometimes I hit a root,
othertimes some bone.
The dirt loves company,
never find it alone.
When the mood takes me
I whistle a tune.
While the black earth
I continue to spoon.
I like me a ballad,
I like me a song.
Old time music
helps move it along
3.
I ain't afraid of sweat
but I can't dig all night.
My belly's howling
with hunger and spite.
I unpack a sandwich
I picked up in town.
Found a maggot in it,
got it on markdown
I eat on a pile of dirt
and admire my work.
Done this a million times
and each time I smirk.
There's nothing as pretty
as desolation.
And digging a hole far
from civilization.
4.
Some folks will tell you
a hole ain't but air.
Now for that kind of talk
I don't much care.
A hole is what you gets
when there's nothing else to be got.
Its what you find
when the world begins to blot.
I ain't saying nothing
a sensible man don't know.
But most can't tell
their ass from their elbow.
I pick up my spade
and fall right to sleep.
The steel cuts through dirt
and settles deep.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Little Clit
Twinkle, twinkle, little clit,
How I struggle to find it.
Up above the hole so high,
Hiding like a mouse so shy.
Twinkle, twinkle, little clit,
How I struggle to find it.
How I struggle to find it.
Up above the hole so high,
Hiding like a mouse so shy.
Twinkle, twinkle, little clit,
How I struggle to find it.
Erik Vatne on Romancing the Dead
I was reading Romancing the Dead again tonight. It's such a beautifully produced chapbook. Tearoom Books did a great job.
At the moment I keep coming back to 'Cosmic Debris.' I love a book like this because like a good album one can play one song over and over again before discovering the rest of the record.
There is an effortless and deceptive simplicity to these poems and yet they are like magic spells. I love what I don't know and that's what keeps me returning to these exquisite pieces.
Erik Vatne, author of Cartographies of Silence
At the moment I keep coming back to 'Cosmic Debris.' I love a book like this because like a good album one can play one song over and over again before discovering the rest of the record.
There is an effortless and deceptive simplicity to these poems and yet they are like magic spells. I love what I don't know and that's what keeps me returning to these exquisite pieces.
Erik Vatne, author of Cartographies of Silence
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